The Greatest Gift

Most of us need someone to be there for us at some time in our lives and maybe, even be available to listen to others? Surely, this is the greatest gift we can give to another? To really listen.


I want you to listen.

You see ...
I have an ache inside;
a sort of pain,
that really hurts.
It’s been there ...
since I was a child.
I’ve tried to ignore it,
cover it over,
but it won’t go away.
It’s coming to the boil.

Can you listen and
put your agenda to one side?
Give me your attention,
and be there for me?

I don’t want you to fix it
or make it better.
I just need to know
I’ve been heard,
and just possibly ...
understood.

I need to know
I’m safe with you,
that you won’t tell,
because I’m afraid
and ashamed
of what may come out.

But ...

You’re looking at your watch.
Your gaze is elsewhere.
Am I boring you?
Yes,
I know you have problems.
Perhaps another time?

Wayfarerjon

"If the person you are talking to doesn't appear to be listening, be patient. It may simply be that he has a small piece of fluff in his ear." - Winnie the Pooh

“Remember this, my dear friends! Everyone must be quick to listen, but slow to speak and slow to become angry.” James 1: 19 New International Version

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Turning Point

I had been doing well in my battle with chronic fatigue, but I reached a plateau and wasn’t progressing. In fact I had found that particular summer extremely difficult and much of the time I was in a fog of fatigue and finding it very wearing. My wife and I had booked to attend a Christian seminar and although it involved a long journey, we decided to go anyway, believing we were meant to be there, although not sure why.

On arrival we discovered the schedule was quite intensive, with more talks than we expected. By the second day I found the only way I could deal with the stream of information was to snuggle into an armchair with my eyes half closed, but my spiritual ‘antennae’ out and look interested - business meetings had trained me for that. An extra session had been squeezed in before lunch, on forgiveness. Nothing new here, so I snuggled down deeper, but suddenly I was wide awake and alert. I asked the speaker to repeat her last sentence. “There are sometimes when we need to forgive God.” This was new to me. Forgive others, receive forgiveness and forgive myself, yes, but forgive God? Where does that come?

I later talked this through with the speaker and over the coming days found space to look at this alone with Father. I found myself saying something like this: “Father I’m not sure whether I can take anymore, I’m battered and worn out. You’ve promised to help me, strengthen and even heal me, but you are doing nothing. How much longer? What more do you want me to do? What do you want - blood?” This opened the floodgates and the realisation that I was angry and even worse, I was angry with God, for allowing me to suffer. Please don’t mention Job!

As I worked this through with Father - and the amazing thing is that He, my Daddy, took it all and I believe was even smiling - I saw that He wasn’t holding me back, but was waiting for me! I ended up seeing things from a fresh new perspective, with a changed attitude, and was more trusting and surrendered without being passive.

To think that I had to go all that way to get in touch with those buried feelings, which proved to be a catalyst, a turning point for me. The battle moved on to a new phase.

I believe God wants us to be real with Him so that He can be real with us. It’s not head-to-Head, but heart-to-Heart.

“All day long I have been afflicted, and every morning brings new punishments.” Psalm 73:14 Today’s New International Version

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Christian Healing - 6 Corporate

There is often so much emphasis on the individual’s walk with God, we can forget there is a corporate or community dimension.

From time to time we hear testimonies to healing. It’s there all right, but in dribs and drabs. But I have often wondered why the evidence of healing isn’t more widespread. I would like to see an avalanche. After all Jesus said that if we abided in Him we would do what He did and even more! There may be many reasons for this lack, but I think one reason is because of unbelief and disunity within a church, group, area local or a whole nation. It’s like God holds back the floodgates, waiting for our response?

On the other hand I have experienced from time to time, in small gatherings or groups, - but not much recently - where there was a real honest openness to God and to each other, that the Holy Spirit descended upon us tangibly, touching and moving everyone present. I believe this is the environment, the atmosphere that gives God the freedom to act powerfully.

I only have to walk down the street to see the need on people’s faces. It’s unmistakable. Our response can be to pray inwardly for each person we meet. I have also found that when in conversation I offer to pray for them, it is nearly always welcomed. I should do it more often, because God anoints boldness. There have been times occasionally when it is received with indifference or rejection. Like the time when I was so moved by a man I saw with both legs in plaster, that I asked if he would like me to pray with Him. He refused most strongly and angrily, but I noticed as he was speaking he could not look at me. Maybe he was still in shock and perhaps I was a tad insensitive, but I know that in His love God will not let him forget that time. I leave the outcome to Him.

“How good and pleasant it is when brothers live together in unity! It is like precious oil poured on the head, running down on the beard, running down on Aaron's beard, down upon the collar of his robes. - For there the LORD bestows his blessing - ” Psalm 133:1-3

“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.” James 5:16 New International Version

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If My People - 3

I had intended to draw a line under this post title, but on going to bed last night I asked the Lord how Christians should pray for the ‘State of the Nation.’

I didn’t necessarily expect an instant reply, but immediately I felt he said ‘pray that Christians should wake up!’

This was as I was slipping under the duvet, so it goes without saying that I was awake for quite a while.

I took this reply to mean that we - and I include myself in this - need to:

• Wake up to what is happening in our nation and the world.
• Wake up and take notice of the spiritual battle that is raging
• Wake up and listen to how God sees this from His perspective
• Wake up and 'stir the gift within' us
• Wake up and wait upon God for our individual response
• Wake up and pray as a priority

This is not to ‘tell,’ but to share what I believe I heard. This may well not be for everyone, but if I am acting in obedience, then surely this must be for at least one person.

“If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land.” 2Chronicles 7:14

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If My People - 2

We’ve just had a day out at a country estate with our grandchildren. In one of the gardens there was an old solid oak door that caught my attention. What I felt was very significant was the network of small branches that crisscrossed the door, barring the way and partly obscuring it. Also the small handle was very rusty with lack of use. I felt that with some careful pruning, these obstructions could be removed to allow access to the hidden delights beyond.

In my post If “My People -1” I referred to the world being in a dire state., but I’ll confine these comments now to the state of the nation in Britain. I love my country - I hasten to add that this is in the right way after God - and it hurts to see that it has lost it’s way and no one seems to have the answer. However, this must be as nothing compared with how it must pain God to see what is happening.

The Gospel remains largely hidden from view and the media - apart from some notable exceptions - portray Christianity as irrelevant and a butt for comedians. We now have a second generation of children, the majority of whom are ignorant of the Gospel. Christianity as a living relationship with Jesus is rarely taught in schools. Many organisations are afraid to be seen giving deference to Christianity incase they offend followers of other religions. For example employees are wished a ‘happy holiday’ at Christmas. The gap between the rich and the poor grows larger, as the ‘haves’ are in a headlong hedonist pursuit of pleasure and financial security to fill the aching void within. The Christian moral foundations are in decline and the financial and manufacturing fabric of the country is in disarray.

What can the Christian response be? I don’t think that as Christians we can wash our hands of all this, saying it’s not our fault?

This poses questions for me such as: Am I following Jesus with every fibre in my body? Am I in the centre of His will? In my complacency and indifference, have I somehow been complicit in allowing all this to happen? Have I been a witness to the hope that is within me in whatever way is right for me? Have I spoken up against injustice? Am I caught up with the materialism around me? What am I about? And what about prayer?

How do we pray? I’m not sure I can repent for someone else? In the New testament Jesus shows the way to an individual relationship with God; however the theme of corporate and communal responsibility runs all the way through the Bible. When something is wrong with one part of the body, the whole body is affected!

Some of us may be called to be intercessors, but all Christians are exhorted to pray - continually.

“If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land.” 2Chronicles 7:14

Perhaps you would like to have a look at state of the nation ?

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Listen My People

Our French teacher at grammar (high) school loved her subject and her pupils. She was strict but we knew she had our interests at heart. Somehow we couldn’t help but catch her infectious enthusiasm. As she breezed into the classroom, gown flowing behind her, “Bonjour mes eleves,” we all stood and replied in unison, “Bonjour Mademoiselle Saul.”

She was dedicated to getting us all through the final examination and although she was very understanding and patient, she expected the same dedication from us. For example, she didn’t just want us to write the language, but wanted perfect pronunciation - not easy for our lazy English tongues. She made sure we were listening, “Ecoutez mes eleves,” and woe betide any student who persistently failed to pay attention for the full forty minutes. A brief display of calculated anger and an Order Mark or even worse, the dreaded Detention would come winging their way.

When the day of the exam finally dawned, I found I could draw upon much of what I had stored away from the lessons. And to our surprise and the delight of our French Mistress, we nearly all passed and had our certificates to prove it.

Does God have our full attention and do we really listen?

He has sacrificed His only Son, given us His Presence, His Word and made His Power available to us and put everything in place for us to receive a ‘certificate.’ It’s a done deal! What more do we want? So why, when things are going well, do we sometimes relegate God to second place in our lives? Or why when the going gets tough, do we complain and forget - Oh woe is me! - how He has led us and provided for us in the past?

Our answers of course are varied and personal. But it is just possible that we may hear something, that if acted upon, may change our lives for ever.

“Listen, my people, to my teaching, and pay attention to what I say.” Psalm 78 Good News Bible

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The Who and the Why?

Darwin is being given considerable attention in the media at this time. We have watched some of the television coverage; fascinating programmes presented by internationally respected naturalists.

I know several highly intelligent and clever people who are confessed atheists, who would use Darwin and his theory of evolution and natural selection to prove that there is no God. I used to be in awe and feel intimated by such people, but no longer since I came into a heart knowledge of Jesus. I found what I saw of the TV programmes was enthralling. They described in fascinating detail, the ‘what’ and perhaps not quite so convincingly, the ‘when.’ But so far, unless I have missed something, they do not address the question of the ‘Who’ or the ‘why!’ Much of what I saw I found did not seem to conflict with Christianity, but I find it very hard to believe that I evolved from a blob.

I totally accept that God made the world and He made me. All the probing and researching into how He may have done this, do not particularly interest me. Nor do they help me in relating to God, people and myself, something I and the world desperately need. We are indebted to the work of scientists, but I doubt whether science can get very far in explaining a heart to heart relationship with a living God.

I take great comfort from the fact the Jesus used simple fishermen to help change the direction of the world to the good. When our spiritual eyes are opened, the Bible, God's Word comes alive. We do not throw reason out of the window, but our eyes are opened to a life-changing love relationship with Jesus.

“New International Version In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it. John 1:1-5 New International Version

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A Double Portion

Years ago I attended a conference led by a minister with an international healing ministry. All week I sat at the front riveted by what was being taught and especially what I witnessed. I said to God, that although I wanted to be me and not a copy of anyone else, I wanted what that man had got. Believing it to be a God-given desire, I even asked for a double portion - twice what he had. I felt God was saying it would be granted, but it would have to be in His way and in His time- it was conditional. I also left the conference confident of the direction of any future ministry and got on with my family and working life.

Fast forward a number of years and I was flowing in the gifts of the Holy Spirit and in counselling and ministry. I felt fulfilled and dare I say it, successful? There was a problem though. The work was widening and snowballing and as I took on more I was drying up and giving out from empty. I was suffering, my wife was missing out and I soon realised I was headed for burnout and eventually illness took hold.

I had to let go of much of what had given me fulfilment and so began a prolonged period of wrestling with my condition and seeking God for understanding. Initially in painful desolation, but slowly moving into healing and even more slowly, redirection.

A friend in the village once remarked that my wife and I had 'slipped off the edge of the table.' Meaning we were outside of much of the usual church and social activities. She was right and we had struggled with it at first, but more than anything we wanted to be at the centre of God’s will for us. In anycase, most of what my wife and I do is not seen by others, it is hidden. At the start of this time someone with a prophetic ministry said to me that they felt God was saying that I was going to be “Busy, busy - in God’s service!” I was a little bemused, as God seemed to be doing just the opposite, but I hid it in my heart.

The sense of how God wants to use my wife and I is greater now, but we are less sure of the how and what and when, so we leave it to him. One thing for sure, is that we are totally reliant on Him and have to take each day as it comes, looking for his direction and enabling. We are expectant, but we don’t use that word ‘ministry’ anymore - we have exchanged it for intimacy.

What have I learnt so far? That God wants us to think big. He wants those godly desires brought to fulfilment and that He anoints boldness. Jesus only did what He saw His Father doing and if we are to do the same, we need to be in tune with Father. Also I have to be very sure of one thing: the power is God’s and not mine. We walk in the natural in obedience and He does the supernatural. Surrender is paramount and for some of us this can almost take a lifetime.

All very simple, but not easy, but more than worth it - and writing this has left me thoughtful.

“- Elijah said to Elisha, "Tell me, what can I do for you before I am taken from you?" "Let me inherit a double portion of your spirit,"” 2 Kings 2:9

“I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father.” John 14:12-13 New International Version

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Marking Time?

I’ll always remember the day I completed my basic military training with the passing out parade. We felt so proud in our best uniforms, marching in unison and absolute precision, with the band leading the way. However, it took many gruelling hours of square bashing to reach that point.

We were some of the last to be called up for compulsory army service. You could say we were the scrapings from the bottom of the barrel; a right mixture of the long and short, fat and thin. Our drill sergeant was determined to whip us into one homogenous shape, whatever it took. He was in his element on the parade ground, shouting out. “Lerft, lerft, lerft right lerft - ! Whenever he wasn’t satisfied with our performance - and that was often - he would order us to mark time, while he closely scrutinised each recruit. I tried to keep a low profile, but being tall that didn’t last long. He soon had me out front, marking time on the spot, with perspiration pouring down my face.

No, I didn’t like marking time. It was uncomfortable, without purpose and it seemed we just weren't getting anywhere.

In the Christian walk there is no place for marking time, it’s part of God’s law of nature that we are changing, growing and moving on. We may feel we are physically occupied and active, but in God’s terms we could be standing still. You can almost guarantee that the moment we feel we have arrived, it’s time to move on.

After three months of being slowed right down with illness, I’m having to get my muscles going again and I am finding that’s painful. I don’t like the discomfort, but I don’t want to lose what I have. I know if I want to move on I need just the right amount of exercise each day and this also applies to the spiritual. Thankfully, I can already look back and see some progress.

I believe God often allows situations in our lives to get us back in step with Him. It may seem that nothing is happening and from our viewpoint we are marking time. The longer it goes on, the more restless we become, until he really does have our attention. Then, as we flex our spiritual muscles and begin to see things from God’s perspective, we change our thinking, plug into His power and start to move into the new.

"Change your life, God's Kingdom is here." Matthew 3:2 The Message Bible

If you havn't done so already, I urge you to read the poetry in VERSEODIUM - God has really gifted Mike. His poetry really cuts the ice with a powerful simplicity.

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Are We Too Serious?

Are we in danger sometimes of appearing too serious? Being a Christian is a serious business, but it’s also joyful. If we are not careful though, ‘serious’ can come over as gloomy, depressing or even critical and ‘joyful’ as flippant or insensitive. So how did Jesus come over?

We have only recently watched the “St Matthew” videos where in nearly every scene Bruce Marchiano was smiling or even laughing. I found this challenging and couldn’t help wondering, “Did Jesus really smile all the time?” So far as I know, there is nowhere in the New Testament where it says Jesus smiled or laughed, although there are instances where He displayed emotion. But He was so in tune with His Father and so full of love that I’m sure He couldn’t help but smile.

There was a period some years ago, when I was so intensely aware of God’s presence, that I seemed to break out into smiles at the drop of a hat. So where am I now? I believe I am more in touch with who I am and the joy has probably gone deeper, but do I really let what’s on the inside show on the outside?

I offer these three thoughts on the subject:

Show a smile
I’ve noticed what a difference it makes when I smile at someone. There’s usually an immediate response, often followed by a warm exchange. By a smile I mean a sensitive heart smile, not the sort that could make the checkout girl think you were up to something.

See the humorous side:
Even during really trying times, it can help to see the humorous side of things. Like the time when my wife broke her leg and I had to push her around in a wheelchair for several weeks, despite the fact that I was suffering from chronic fatigue. I am sure that it was God who showed me His perspective on this trying experience. I even wrote about it (here) and that in itself was releasing.

Just have a good laugh:
I can just imagine Jesus jesting with His disciples and enjoying a good laugh together. I know I need to laugh more. It is tremendously releasing to have a good hearty laugh with friends. It may not seem very spiritual, but I am told that it releases all sorts of goodies into our system to promote wellbeing and good health.

“Celebrate God all day, every day. I mean, revel in him!” Philippians 4:4

"When I smiled at them, they could hardly believe it; their faces lit up, their troubles took wing! Job 29:24

"A cheerful heart brings a smile to your face," Proverbs 15:13 All quotes from The Message Bible

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How Low Do We Have to Get ..?

We were once very concerned for someone we had met and felt that she could be heading for a breakdown. I mentioned this to a counsellor who said, “Perhaps she needs the breakdown?” I took this to mean that she had to get really low before she would look at what was really happening for her.

I knew someone once, who always felt that he had never really ‘made it’ to be a Christian. He felt he didn’t measure up to other Christians he knew, which was a barrier to him receiving the assurance that God loved him just as he was. In a way he was in denial to what was happening within himself. Then one day he was rushed to hospital in an emergency. When I visited him it seemed that he was failing. I sensed the urgency and tried to talk with him and asked if he would like me to pray. He declined, possibly because he didn’t want to face what could be the truth. I wondered if my words had been stumbling and insensitive, but prayed inwardly nevertheless. Two days later and he passed away.

The Gospels are full of accounts where Jesus met people at their point of need. This is how I became a Christian and I also believe this is how we move forward in our Christian walk. We may be ‘born again’ or ‘saved’ or however we like to describe that heart knowledge of belonging to God, but are we moving on with him? Are we letting Him into those ‘hidden’ areas of our lives? Are we aware of our need for Him, or are we blissfully unaware of our deep ‘wounds’ or the ungodly behaviour patterns that have become second nature.

There is at least one occasion in my life, where I almost hit rock bottom, before God really had my full attention, but I’m sure it didn’t have to be that way. How low do we have to get before we respond to His open arms?

"You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.” Matthew 5:3 The Message Bible

"Happy are those who know they are spiritually poor; the Kingdom of heaven belongs to them!” Matthew 5:3 Good News Bible

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Pooh Sticks

One of the favourite places to take our grandchildren is their local wood, especially in autumn when it’s like a wonderland of falling golden leaves. A river runs through the middle. - well, it’s more like a fast-flowing stream at this stage - and is crossed by an old wooden bridge.

Last time we were there, we played Pooh sticks. As we each carefully chose a twig, I watched as our grandson clutched the heaviest stick he could find. Just like a boy! At the count of three we dropped them in the centre of the stream and raced to the other side of the bridge to see whose would emerge first. Then cheered them on as they were carried downstream, bobbing up and down in the ripples. I rejoiced as mine reached the bend first and disappeared into the wide blue yonder. But our grandson cried as his soggy branch lurched into the side and stuck in the reeds. Of course, we played this again, and again!

Are we in the River, God’s River of Blessing as described in Ezekiel 47? If we long to be in the River, we have to let go of all we are holding onto. We need to be empty handed. It’s no good hanging onto the edge of the bridge with our finger nails. We have to let go in complete surrender and abandonment. We may feel we are going to die - and in a way we do! - but we always land in Jesus’s arms and move along in the gentle current of His blessing.

Even if we hit turbulence or the river widens into deep threatening waters, despite our fears, we are still carried along in absolute safety and provision as we cling to Him. If for some reason we become waterlogged and drift into stagnant water, the way back is just the same. We give Him our heavy load and in surrender and trust we are once more back in the flow.

“He said to me, "Mortal man, note all this carefully." Then the man took me back to the riverbank - Wherever the stream flows - it will bring life.” Ezekiel 47:6-9 Good News Bible

I have quoted from these few verses, but really Ezekiel 47 needs to be read in its entirety

The image above is not 'our' bridge but the "Pooh Sticks Bridge, Ashdown Forest” © Copyright David Brooker and licensed for reuse under Creative Commons Licence. Geograph Project, UK. which see.

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Doom and Gloom

My favourite time of year is spring, when the countryside begins to sparkle with new life. It give me a real lift, so perhaps that’s why my favourite colours are blue and green.

Seems far away at the moment, with the shortest days and the coldest weather for a decade. On top of that, the media is full of reports from war zones, warnings of environmental disasters, global warming, fuel shortages and of course the dire worldwide financial situation. Almost daily we’re bombarded with accounts of major bank collapses, the housing market slump, house repossessions and famous companies going into liquidation. All this can fuel anxieties of losing our jobs, pensions and even housing. Add to this a bout of influenza and you have a recipe for doom and gloom.

If you have a leaning towards Seasonal Affective Disorder (the winter blues) or if like me, your personality type includes more than a touch of the melancholic, it is easy to drop into heaviness at this time.

What can we do about this? Be kind to ourselves, don’t watch TV or read the papers, go for a brisk walk, buy a light therapy lamp, visit friends or family, eat chocolate, read a good book, go and see the latest movie, see your doctor or counsellor, take a trip to a warmer country - ?

Maybe, some of this could be good advice? But before we begin a downward spiral, we could first of all take responsibility for any anxious thoughts, own up to any feelings and talk it through with Jesus. Remind ourselves Who is in charge of our lives, Who is our security, Who is our Provider, Who has our future in His hands, Who will never ever leave us, Who is totally faithful etc. And even, if again like me, you have a voice like a foghorn and are tone deaf, just praise God and make a joyful noise unto the Lord.

I realise there may be other issues involved - or you may really have lost your job - but I suggest you start here because it really works.

“Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Saviour and my God.” Psalm 42:11 New International Version

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Your Move!

When a fellow high school student taught me to play chess, I became really attracted to this 'king of games' with all it's infinite variations. I think I lacked the necessary enduring concentration to be really good, but the fascination continued into adulthood. I even played in a tournament once, where I was soundly thrashed by an eleven year old.

I sometimes think that the Christian life is like a game of chess.

The basic requirement is to have a knowledge of the function of each piece and the unique way it moves. It may seem complicated at first, but it soon becomes second nature. Before each game you need a strategy. You need to know where you are going, but at the same time be flexible and be prepared for surprises.

A good opening game is vital, this is where games can be won or lost. The way has to be opened up for the attacking pieces to have full access to the board, at the same time ensuring that your king is secure and protected. At this stage, your opponent may try to catch you unawares with some early attacking moves. So think very carefully before you make a move and have no fear, his premature moves will usually have no substance, so hold your ground.

Now we come to the middle game. It’s no good just staying on the defensive, doing nothing is not an option, as this is not a passive game. Wait for the appropriate time to go on the attack and seize the opportunity. You may feel vulnerable as you step out and wonder if there is something you have missed, but don't be put off. Be bold and have the conviction of what you know.

I used to have a good opening game, my middle game was - err middling and my end game often not so good. Nowadays I am learning perseverance and patience. You don't win them all - think about it, there would be no ‘game’ if you won every time - but you learn from your mistakes for next time.

“If a king goes out with ten thousand men to fight another king who comes against him with twenty thousand men, he will sit down first and decide if he is strong enough to face that other king.” Luke 14:31 Good News Bible

“Run hard and fast in the faith. Seize the eternal life, the life you were called to, the life you so fervently embraced in the presence of so many witnesses.” 1 Timothy 6:12 The Message Bible

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Up Against a Brick Wall?

Have you ever been in a situation where you have felt you were up against a brick wall and just didn’t know what to do? I’m thinking of things like work relationships, marriage difficulties, financial problems etc..

In my Christian walk there have been many times when I have found myself in an impossible and difficult situation, where there just didn’t seem to be a way forward. What I felt needed to happen seemed right by God, but I was stuck. Whether it was something practical, an inner need or whatever, but it seemed impossible.

On one occasion I shared my problem with a wise and trusted friend and said it felt like being ‘up against a brick wall’ - a phrase that just slipped out as I expressed my anguish. I suppose I thought he would tell me what to do, but I guess he sensed I was being passive in the matter. Instead he asked me, ‘What do you do when faced with a brick wall?’ I went away and wrote down all the possibilities and pondered:

1. Do nothing and let God sort it out in His time, leaving me to get on with life. This may be right for a time, but in can be a sort of denial or pretence. The truth is it doesn’t usually go away and the longer it’s ignored, the less I will be really living. I may be marking time for a while, but I will soon be going backwards.

2. Turn my back on it and walk away. That’s similar to the last and something inside told me it doesn’t work.

3. Try and find a way around it. This was an attractive proposition as it appealed to my do-it-yourself nature and ingenuity. However, all the options were soon exhausted - including myself - and I had to admit there was no way around.

4. Face it with God. Look at the situation fairly and squarely in all openness and honesty before God, including owning up to any feelings and emotions. This obvious solution may be avoided because it often involves going into ‘unknown territory.’ This may mean having to face our fears, involve confrontation or taking steps that we would rather not.

The truth is, that as we take each step God shows us, the ‘mountain’ starts to move or melt away. What seemed impossible becomes possible, because that word ‘impossible’ just isn’t in God’s vocabulary. Where there didn’t seem to be a way, a way opens up as we face the mountain. And when we come through the other side, we feel bigger and stronger in Him.

I have also found that as time goes by, the brick walls get bigger, so I pray that I will be given the grace to face them with Him.

“- for he breaks down gates of bronze and cuts through bars of iron.” Psalm107:16 “Jesus replied,

"I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and it will be done.” Matthew 21:21 New International Version

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The Battle Without

Although I didn’t realise it at the time, the retreat we attended in October was God-arranged, to prepare me for what was to come in the following weeks. This was especially so with the morning walk (here) which became a living picture that helped carry me through a very difficult time. It reminded me that whatever battle I was to experience, provided I put my whole trust in Jesus and abided in Him, then I would come through to a strong place and know His victory.

Within two weeks of the retreat I was diagnosed with an aggressive form of prostate cancer, with the immediate commencement of treatment and exploratory scans. Side effects from the drugs began to kick in, leaving me drained of strength, dizzy and experiencing vertigo. On top of this I picked up an infection from the biopsy examination, which took six weeks of anti-biotic drugs to overcome.

Things were happening at such pace, that for a time I was in shock and vulnerable to all sorts of anxious thoughts. Like burning arrows they came flying my way, such as: “I’m growing old before my time.” and “You are finished - there’s no hope.” or “You’ll end your days in hospital.” and so on! I just rested in my ‘shelter’ the best way I could, wrapped in the folds of Father’s robe, so that these taunts, lies etc just bounced off. I had His Word that He would fight the battle and take me through. I was expectant, of miracles even. On some evenings, if fatigue kicked in, I just sat surrendering to Father, even though I felt and sensed nothing, but refusing to doubt.

The worst part was the waiting between the many appointments. I found some of the doctors definitely lacking in communication skills and I was left in personal doubt about the additional treatment scheduled for the new year. All I could do was leave it to God until, at the last consultation I saw another specialist who reversed the decision. I received this as God’s answer, leaving Him the freedom to act in His way and in His time.

The worst of the storm is now over. There is still a battle, but that has moved on to another phase. So far as the cancer is concerned, I believe God has my healing on course. But fundamentally I don’t really think it’s about that. Yes, the enemy was in this, but God allowed it and is using it. He wanted me to have a closer walk with him - He knew my heart - and that meant strengthening me in my weak areas, such as anxiety. The journey continues. I don’t know how things are going to plan out. I have never ever been so unsure about such things, but I am even more sure that He knows, so I put my trust in Him.

There were certain scriptures that I kept returning to such as Psalms 91 and 17 and John 15 speaking of all the benefits of abiding.

“He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High - will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust." - You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you. - then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent. - “Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honour him. With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation." Psalm 91 New International Version

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I'm Losing My Grip!

I’d like to dispel the myth that men have to be strong. It goes along with the other one, “men don’t cry!’ I really believe that if we cannot acknowledge and accept our own weakness and shed a few tears, then we are going to miss out on the fullness of God in our lives. Maybe you don’t have this problem, but I admit it’s still a learning ground for me.

I had to have an examination in hospital recently and unfortunately it caused an infection. So when I woke yesterday morning and began to wonder what was happening I was feeling whoozy, dizzy, light-headed and a bit faint and could even pass out. A phone call to the surgery put me straight. It would take up to 48 hours for the antibiotic to kick in and it should subside. I struggled with this however. It’s not a nice feeling and found myself fighting to stay in control. I wanted to stay strong and in command of my senses. As I saw it, I didn’t want to lose my grip on life. Even as I mulled over those thoughts, it was as if God was saying, “Yes, let go your grip and I will grip you.”

The difference that made! The penny dropped! It was all right, it’s allowed and everyone - even my understanding wife - can manage without me today. And so for the rest of the day I was like a child. I let go into Father’s arms and slowly began to receive the comfort I needed and the promise of returning strength. I couldn’t help feeling He had allowed it - or at least was using it - for this precise purpose. And do you know - and this is not a heresy - that Father God even has mothering qualities.

How many of us, especially us he-men, think we don’t need this?

“As a mother comforts her child, so I'll comfort you.” Isaiah 66:13 The Message Bible

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This is a Biggy!

As an engineer I had to adapt my basic engineering skills to various environments, such as power generation, road building, multi-story concrete structures and tunnelling etc.

This was especially so when I was employed in the water industry. In our regional water company there was a full mixture of disciplines, such as chemical, biological, electronic, electrical, mechanical - apart from my own civil and structural - some of which were foreign to me. Quite often I received a phone call in the middle of the night concerning an emergency situation and looking to me to put the matter right.

One one occasion, after driving to a large works wondering what I was going to find, I was met by an enthusiastic technician who liked a challenge. He was rubbing his hands exclaiming, ‘this is a biggy!’ By that he meant that it seemed risky and complicated, we hadn’t experienced it before and if the wrong decision was made the repercussions could be wide-reaching. In these circumstances, a colleague and I used to pray, handing over the whole situation to God. We asked Him for wisdom and to bring into the light whatever was hidden. We wouldn’t tell anyone that it seemed on occasion a whole city’s water supply was dependant upon prayer. Sometimes the project was really big and we had to take it step by step, hour by hour and day by day until we got through. He never ever let us down.

I find that God is continually allowing situations in my life where I haven’t been before. Circumstances that seem bigger and riskier than ever. My only way of dealing with it, once I've got over the intial shock, is to get back to basics and put my whole trust in God. It’s only afterwards that I realise once again, that nothing is too big or too difficult for Him.

As the song goes:

Ah Lord God, Thou hast made the heavens
And the earth by Thy great power
Ah Lord God, Thou hast made the heavens
And the earth by Thine outstretched arm.
Nothing is too difficult for Thee
Nothing is too difficult for Thee

“Ah Lord GOD! Behold, You have made the heavens and the earth by Your great power and by Your outstretched arm! Nothing is too difficult for You.” Jeremiah 32:17 NASB

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The Apple of His Eye

Our garden is steep and stony. It faces the sea and affords very little shelter against the prevailing salt-laden south westerlies. It can be a hostile environment for all except the right indigenous species. So not the best place for an apple tree, but we have one right outside our kitchen window. The variety is Laxton’s Superb and it’s fruit is crisp, sweet and full of flavour. We feed it and prune it, to keep it healthy and so it doesn’t sprawl too far.

It has surpassed all expectations this year, as the blossom had set well before the strong winds threatened to spoil. Even after the birds, insects and bugs had their fill, there were still plenty for us. We have been harvesting them well into the autumn, until we were left with just one apple, tenaciously clinging on to it’s stem. I decided to leave it until it was ready to drop and each morning as I made my coffee, I regarded it’s delightful rosy globe. It was a real delight to the eye. I came to love that apple, but eventually it’s time was up and yesterday I caught it before it dropped. We had it for lunch. It had reached it’s fruity prime, the best apple we had ever tasted.

If only we would stop what we are doing and give time to stand in Father’s gaze and take in the delight He has in us. When it sinks in deep, that He thinks we are special, when we really see ourselves as he sees us, it is life-changing and sets us up for when the going gets rough.

In other words; to read His Word makes a difference, but to stop and allow God to love us is something else!

“In a desert land he found him, in a barren and howling waste. He shielded him and cared for him; he guarded him as the apple of his eye,” Deuteronomy 32:10 New International Version

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I Wanna Be The Leader

I wanna be the leader
I wanna be the leader
Can I be the leader?
Can I? I can?
Promise? Promise?
Yippee I'm the leader
I'm the leader

OK what shall we do?

This brilliant poem, “The Leader” by the English poet Roger Joseph McGough, always makes me smile. Perhaps because I identify with it, as ‘I’ve been there?’

In any group situation I often tended to take the lead and perhaps still do to some extent. It seems to come naturally. On the other hand I became aware of my predilection for being ‘centre stage,’ which was more to do with my inner ‘woundedness’ than any innate leadership quality.

During my secular career I have had various positions of leadership and like to think I did a good job. This was especially so when I became the ‘boss’ for a while, although I occasionally wonder how it would have been without the ‘badge’ of office as I do admit that the position did give me a ‘buzz’ at times. There was a danger of liking the position, but not the responsibility.

Some years ago, we were asked to write a profile for a new minister and we included the following just for starters, apart from any specific requirements:

• To have a dynamic intimate relationship with Jesus.
  
• To be still growing as a Christian and be prepared to be vulnerable and share out of this journey.
• To have a servant heart.
• To have a vision for the way forward and be able to show it.
• To have demonstrated good relationship abilities within family and fellow Christians.

The one thing I have learnt is that leadership in the Church is totally different to how it is in the world. In the Kingdom of God, where Jesus is in control, leadership is low key and comes out of being wholly available to God with a love for others, which in time may be recognised. It will also be seen that he or she knows where they are going and people will want to follow. In other words, ‘God anoints and eventually the people of God appoint.’

I believe most of us are called to show a lead in one way or another, according to our own circumstances and gifting - - and this challenges me.

“Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms.” 1 Peter 4:10 New International Version

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