Who is Normal?

All our young grandchildren are a delight, but there is one who is special. She has been diagnosed as being just within the ‘autism spectrum!’ That is the 'label' she has been given, as if to explain away her uniqueness. We refuse to accept such a label. She is who she is. For the first two or three years of her life her hearing was impaired. This disadvantage has been corrected and with encouragement and some heartache she is finding her own way through.

She is gifted and talented and we are proud of her.She has a vivid imagination and lives life to the full, can be very sensitive and often takes the lead in group play. But just now and again she will ask a question or do or say something a bit quirky, outside what would normally be accepted as the social norm for the given situation. But who are we to dampen the tremendous spirit she has, there could be a potential genius in the making. In reality, it's often the sort of thing she does, that many 'normal' adults may wish they could do or say, but keep quiet in case they may offend - or feel shamed?

This makes me wonder, what is normal, who is normal?

In many group situations whether, business, office, club and especially in some church and Christian fellowships, there is an expected way of behaviour and way of doing things. But sometimes this expectation to conform can be confining and stunt progress. Daring to be different may rock the boat and there will be pressure - real or perceived - to conform. I once overheard a conversation regarding a club member, "she's not really one of us!" I don't know, but perhaps 'she' was just a bit different and some were finding that 'difference' embarassing or maybe it revealed their own longing or inner pain.

Most of us in some way or another are 'dysfunctional, and haven't yet realised the full potential we have in Christ. We are instructed in the Bible to lay down our lives, for the sake of the wider 'community', but before we can lay down our lives we need to 'get a life.' It's Father who shows us who we really are, if we ask, and as we are all work in progress, we need to accept the differences in our midst.

So I urge us to do two things:

Go all out to follow the individual path God has for us and discover what we are made for even if this means living with other's misunderstanding.

and

accept and embrace the differences in those around us.

"For the body itself is not made up of only one part, but of many parts. -- As it is, however, God put every different part in the body just as he wanted it to be. There would not be a body if it were all only one part! As it is, there are many parts but one body. So then, the eye cannot say to the hand, "I don't need you!" Nor can the head say to the feet, "Well, I don't need you!" 1Co 12:14-21 New International Version

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Are We Too Serious?

Are we in danger sometimes of appearing too serious? Being a Christian is a serious business, but it’s also joyful. If we are not careful though, ‘serious’ can come over as gloomy, depressing or even critical and ‘joyful’ as flippant or insensitive. So how did Jesus come over?

We have only recently watched the “St Matthew” videos where in nearly every scene Bruce Marchiano was smiling or even laughing. I found this challenging and couldn’t help wondering, “Did Jesus really smile all the time?” So far as I know, there is nowhere in the New Testament where it says Jesus smiled or laughed, although there are instances where He displayed emotion. But He was so in tune with His Father and so full of love that I’m sure He couldn’t help but smile.

There was a period some years ago, when I was so intensely aware of God’s presence, that I seemed to break out into smiles at the drop of a hat. So where am I now? I believe I am more in touch with who I am and the joy has probably gone deeper, but do I really let what’s on the inside show on the outside?

I offer these three thoughts on the subject:

Show a smile
I’ve noticed what a difference it makes when I smile at someone. There’s usually an immediate response, often followed by a warm exchange. By a smile I mean a sensitive heart smile, not the sort that could make the checkout girl think you were up to something.

See the humorous side:
Even during really trying times, it can help to see the humorous side of things. Like the time when my wife broke her leg and I had to push her around in a wheelchair for several weeks, despite the fact that I was suffering from chronic fatigue. I am sure that it was God who showed me His perspective on this trying experience. I even wrote about it (here) and that in itself was releasing.

Just have a good laugh:
I can just imagine Jesus jesting with His disciples and enjoying a good laugh together. I know I need to laugh more. It is tremendously releasing to have a good hearty laugh with friends. It may not seem very spiritual, but I am told that it releases all sorts of goodies into our system to promote wellbeing and good health.

“Celebrate God all day, every day. I mean, revel in him!” Philippians 4:4

"When I smiled at them, they could hardly believe it; their faces lit up, their troubles took wing! Job 29:24

"A cheerful heart brings a smile to your face," Proverbs 15:13 All quotes from The Message Bible

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Eye to Eye

We have five delightful grandchildren. Each one is unique and we love them equally.

One of our granddaughters is a beautiful, spirited and adventurous little girl. She started out in life however, with a slight impairment, in that she had ‘muffled’ hearing. Once this was diagnosed as ‘glue ear’ and treated, a whole new world opened up for her. It did however contribute to a communication difficulty. It wasn’t always apparent, but often she would retreat into a world of her own.

Her caring parents did all they could to help her with this. One of the ways they used, was when they needed to talk with her, they would say ‘eyes!’, meaning ‘look at me, look into my eyes!’ They knew then that they would have her attention and would be able to hold a meaningful conversation.

When we look into Father’s eyes, we are immediately arrested by two things. Firstly: we experience a look of total unconditional love and acceptance. Secondly: we feel that He can see right inside us, our heart is laid bare. We cannot hide and we just want to tell it how it is.

I feel shaky inside Father
Not sure about the future
Don’t about tomorrow
or how I will make out
The only thing I’m certain about
is now, right now
just being with you
I feel safe.

You warm my heart my son
Trust me
I’ll work miracles for you
I’ll move heaven and earth for you.

"- open your eyes and see-- how good GOD is. Blessed are you who run to him." Psalm 34:8The Message Bible

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Living Stones - 3

I live in Cornwall, England, where many of the roads, especially the old narrow lanes, are bordered with Cornish hedges. These are not really 'hedges', but double-skinned walls made of Cornish slate and soil. They are built in a centuries-old way by tradesmen who keep this traditional craft alive.

The master craftsman has a large pile of stones of varying size and shape to hand. He picks up a stone, inspects it and with an experienced eye, chooses the best place on the line to lay it. He is so skilled, he knows just the right location where it will fit snugly and form an integral part of the structure. Once the two outside skins of the wall are completed to height, the space between is filled with soil and topped off with a layer of turf.

Because no cement is used, it's a kind of living wall, as the individual stones are free to move ever-so-slightly against each other. This constant contact rubs off the sharp corners and rough edges and as the wall is weathered by the elements, the stone changes colour from nondescript grey into a lovely warm brown. Many varieties of wild flowers soon take root in the joints and provide a home for all kinds of wildlife. These hedges are a beautiful sight, to be enjoyed throughout the year, from primroses in early spring to berries in the late autumn.

Isn't this how it is for us? God knows where we will flourish and bear fruit and also chooses just the right people for us to relate to and grow. I have kicked against this in the past. There was a time when my wife and I felt things were getting too difficult where we lived. We thought we were in the wrong place and thought perhaps we should move to another town. After much seeking and prayer, we eventually realised that our real motive was to escape. We would have taken our problems with us.

One of the things that bothered me, was that God seemed to place me with people, especially loquacious Christians, who had so much to say for themselves and showed absolutely no interest in what I had to say. At least that was my perception. Even when we met in a prayer group, so and so would pray for ages, including everything under the sun and all the problems known to man. What was there left for me to pray? My reaction was often just to keep quiet, although I was far from 'quiet' inside.

This situation motivated me to listen. First, to listen to what my own heart was saying. And secondly, once I had resolved this with God, to feel for others and hear what they were really saying inside and speak up at the right time. In other words I was being changed and learning to listen, pray and speak, in that order. It's a divine combination, which I will get right one day.

I am now at peace where we are. That's not saying it's all strawberries and cream, but we are where God wants us to be - today!

"- you also, like living stones, are being built into a spiritual house to be a holy priesthood, offering spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ" 1 Peter 2:5

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Living Stones - 2

We have not long returned from a week's vacation on a hillside farm deep in the countryside. We shared a cottage with friends, a couple we don't get the chance to see too often. Not surprisingly we spent a lot of time catching up on our news.

Living in such close quarters with someone else, no matter how well you get on, can be demanding and calls for a degree of give and take. We have known of some who have gone away together and come back, not friends any more. Not so for us, as we had a really enjoyable time. We value the friendship too much to let little things get in the way. I can't help feeling though, that in part, this success was because our friends must be very special to have tolerated all my little quirks and foibles.

Ok, it was only for a week, but this makes me think about unity in the Christian context. I have seen a number of Christian groups, fellowships and even churches that have floundered or split. This may have been for good reason, but it's sad if it's because of differences over non-essential issues or because the members could not get on with each other.

When our children were small we often stayed at a Christian community centre that had quite an impact upon us. We experienced such a love and peace there, that it had a healing quality. This became widely known as they were always full. We came to learn however, that this peace didn't come cheap! Behind the scenes there was a lot of hard work in forging relationships and facing problems together. At times this was very painful and involved blood sweat and tears.

This does not come easily to me and I particularly find confrontation can be difficult. But I know this is what God wants of us and is what we should be working towards; opening our lives completely and utterly to Jesus and each other. As our lives are reshaped by contact with one other, a wall of 'living stones' is built, a people of love that can be seen and touched, that others will be drawn to.

"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace." Ephesians 4:2-3

"- you also, like living stones, are being built into a spiritual house to be a holy priesthood, offering spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ" 1 Peter 2:5 New International Version

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Dysfunctional Families

We had lunch with friends the other day and shared childhood memories. I said that I experienced some emotional trauma as a child and was left to develop my own ways of compensating and coping with it. My parents really loved and cared for me and really did their best, but I thought ours was a dysfunctional family. Our friends' view was that most families are dysfunctional in some way, which made me think.

When we marry, both partners are in many ways incompatible. They may be a strong love for each other, together with common interests. But because of the differences, there is a lot of working out to do in the relationship. This will be just the same when children come along. However, the family is a God-arranged 'institution' to provide the ideal environment to shape us and bring us to maturity.

I list below a few suggestions of the ideal requirements for a functional family. I stress that this is not a complete list and it is ideal:

• Both parents are present and available and demonstrate their love for each other openly and healthily.
• The children receive affection vocally, by touch and with eye contact.
• That communication is free and open.
• There is a listening environment, with the freedom to express emotional pain and fears, without condemnation or shame.
• The children are disciplined - I don't necessarily mean physical correction - in love with listening and full explanation.
• There are shared family activities.
• Children are increasingly encouraged to be themselves and not copies of their parents.
• There is affirmation and validation of the children's femininity or masculinity, by word and example.

I should think the same applies within the Christian family, the Body of Christ.The difference is, there are not the same blood ties and so we have the choice to avoid confrontational people or painful situations. On the other hand, because we have the same heavenly Father, the ties are even stronger and more powerful. There's the potential for a healthy family and loving relationships, where the members can find healing, fulfilment and discover their purpose in life.

"God sets the lonely in families" Psalm 68:6 New International Version

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The Husband's Challenge!

Getting married was the best thing I ever did. It has brought real fulfilment and happiness, but of course it hasn't all been married bliss. I didn't expect it to bring to the surface all my inadequacies, failings and above all my own emotional wounds. At times it has seemed more like a battlefield and it was only Jesus who has brought us through so far. I can now honestly say, that after so many years, we are closer together than ever.

So why the other day, did we suddenly have a such wordy confrontation, a spat, mini-row or whatever you may call it? I couldn't remember the last time that happened! What my wife said hurt me and I reacted strongly with words I regret. I was holding a chair at the time and just for a split second I could have thrown it across the room. For an hour or so I reverted to my old behaviour pattern and retreated to my den to nurse my hurt. The temporary rift was so painful, I just wanted to blank out the feelings.

Of course I know that attitude just doesn't work and anyway, I was not going to let the enemy have his way. I brought out the feelings with Father and worked them through with Him, before going to find my wife. We both knew that we hadn't spoken to hurt one another, but were speaking out of our own pain and frustration at the time, through tiredness and illness. We talked it through, listened to one another and forgave. That felt so good!

I once asked my wife what she looked for in a husband. The qualities didn't come as a surprise; courage, boldness, kindness, honesty and romance were just a few. But her answers and what I have gleaned from other women, lead me to the conclusion that the two qualities a Christian wife values above all others is submission and intimacy.

I believe a wife feels secure and close with a husband who is walking with God in surrender and obedience to Him and also is in touch with his own feelings and thoughts, which he will openly share with her and listen to hers. I know there's a lot more than that, but I go back to these two things time and again.

Getting to know God, getting to know ourselves, getting to know our wives -- getting there!

"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up - In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. - For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." Ephesians 5:25-31 New International Version

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Gossip That Spoils

A friend phoned us recently to say that he had been really hurt by gossip. I felt for them as I know what it feels like.

When we first moved into our present home, a washing machine was included in the transaction. As we already had one, we placed a card in the local store, offering it for sale. It soon got round the village that we were going to move again, as we didn't like the place. That's harmless enough and in a way it's the sort of thing that goes with the territory in a small community. Not the sort of behaviour you would expect from Christians though.

Years ago, I spoke in confidence with a Christian, believing it to be entirely safe and would go no further. However weeks later it came back to me in a rather vindictive way, through someone else. I found this upsetting at the time, but after the initial surprise I wasn't so concerned about what had been said, as to the potential damage to the relationship. Trust had been broken and I wanted to do what I could from my side to restore that if possible.

Unfortunately gossip is still prevalent within the Church in some quarters. I am aware that it is so easy to get drawn into a gossip conversation. There is the temptation to respond in like manner. Perhaps it's because I feel I don't want to be left out and want to air my superior knowledge, to give me some sort of authority. My answer is to refuse to listen to such talk and avoid it like the plague.

Gossip can grow like a destructive cancer and spoil fellowships, groups and communities. Let's be gracious in our relationships and speak to bless.

“He gossips habitually; he lacks the common wisdom to keep still that deadly enemy of man, his own tongue." Mark Twain

“A real Christian is the one who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip” Billy Graham

"Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be." James 3:10 New International Version

"What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you?" James 4:1 New International Version

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Keep Your Distance?

Do others really know us or do we keep people at a distance? Are we on view like a peeled banana or more like a coconut where the soft white flesh is protected by a hard shell.

All sorts of attitudes and ploys are used to stop people getting too close for comfort. Here are just a few examples: Keeping busy so there's no opportunity to get personal ..... hiding behind our expert role or badge of office such as pastor, supervisor, counsellor ..... staying in control and especially steering conversations away from anything too personal ..... avoiding certain types of people .... being the centre of attention. There are a multitude of ways, quite a few of which I admit to having personal experience.

Perhaps some of us do this because deep down we feel unsure of ourselves. Memories from our youth may leave us feeling we haven't quite made it, leaving us open to the lie, 'there's something wrong with me!' For someone to see that vulnerable area could be very threatening.

If we are like this with people, we may also be keeping God at arms length, the two go together. Part of our lives may be a no go area for anyone? This must hurt Him as He longs to have a close relationship with us and heal any hurts with His love.

The answer must be to take the risk and draw closer to Father and allow Him to show us those areas of our lives where we feel vulnerable or even frightened. He will wash us clean, lift off the shame and reveal to us the truth of how He sees us so that we can walk tall.

"We refuse to wear masks and play games. We don't manoeuvre and manipulate behind the scenes. And we don't twist God's Word to suit ourselves. Rather, we keep everything we do and say out in the open, the whole truth on display, so that those who want to can see and judge for themselves in the presence of God."
2 Corinthians 4:2 The Message Bible

"Don't be afraid, for you will not be put to shame! Don't be intimidated, for you will not be humiliated! You will forget about the shame you experienced in your youth; you will no longer remember the disgrace of your abandonment." Isaiah 54:4 New English Translation

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Forgiving Those Who Hurt Us

There are times when I find it hard to forgive, especially when I consider I'm in the right and they should be the ones to apologise.

I remember an occasion when I was an engineer. I had been up all night in the cold and wet, supervising construction work and I was very tired and hungry. We were about to pack up, when the young design engineer arrived, after a good night's sleep and breakfast. He started to find fault in some of the unimportant touches and said it wouldn't do. I believed he was totally out of order and for me it was the last straw. I lost my temper and told him in no uncertain manner, that he didn't know what he was talking about and he should get back to his drawing board where he belonged.

I felt bad about my behaviour and later that day I called in and apologised, not so much for what I had said, but for my attitude. It took some courage to do that, so I paused, thinking he might reciprocate. Instead he replied "Quite right, so you should apologise!" I left it at that, but I believed the atmosphere between us and in the office, improved afterwards.

I came to realise that any unforgiveness I may carry within my heart needs to be dealt with, even against people who are dead. I asked God to show me who they were and I made a list, starting as far back as I could remember. I made sure I had really forgiven all those who came to mind.

Several names awakened strong feelings within me and I had to look at the situations in depth with Jesus. One was my high school headmaster, who treated me very badly before I left. His cold aggressive attitude may have affected the direction of my career. The most difficult was my mother, who, although she did her very best for me, tended to be possessive and controlling and I was surprised at the feelings of anger that surfaced. Over a period of over a year, I had to keep forgiving her in my heart. I knew when it was dealt with it was dealt with, because my love for her had increased and my attitude had changed.

Failure to forgive can hamper our walk with God, taint relationships and have a negative disabling affect within our work, church or family community. When we exercise our power to forgive, we all benefit and people and situations are released to go forward God's way.

"If you forgive others the wrongs they have done to you, your Father in heaven will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive the wrongs you have done." Matthew 6:14-15 Good News Bible

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Communication in Marriage

".... A rope made of three cords is hard to break." Ecclesiastes 4:12 Good News Bible

After many years of marriage I would say that we are closer now than ever, although we still have our moments. It has not all been plain sailing though, we've certainly had our trials and difficulties. In fact we would both agree, that following Jesus has kept us together.

We used to attend the occasional marriage conference. I'll never forget the first one. I was quite apprehensive beforehand, as I thought the leaders would 'hit me over the head' with what the Bible says about marriage and declare that I had failed as a husband. I was however, pleasantly surprised and found the weekend most encouraging.

It was at these marriage weekends that we learned how communication is paramount for a marriage, or any other relationship to succeed. We were shown ways of improving communication. One was to write each other a letter. Boy, was that an eye-opener, some men freaked out of that stage. We came away with 'tools' to help us deal with potential confrontational situations, before they developed into a full-blown row.

Most useful is what we call the twenty/twenty, where we give each other twenty minutes. After asking the Lord to help us, I listen to my wife, who has my full attention without interruptions. I then mirror back to her what I believe she is saying and feeling. We had to learn to take responsibility for our own feelings. For example we say "When you do this, I feel ...!" not "You make me feel ...!" I found this difficult in the early days, as I was a bit lacking in the feelings department. We then change places and repeat the process. Finally we may have to negotiate and come to some agreement over the issue. That's how it goes, although we tend to take short cuts these days.

We certainly have not got it all right, but I thought I would share something that we found helpful in our time of need.

"God, the best maker of all marriages, Combine your hearts into one." William Shakespeare

"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person."
Mignon McLaughlin

"As the scripture says, "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and unite with his wife, and the two will become one." Ephesians 5:31 Good News Bible

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