A Christian’s heavenly journey with his feet on the ground. Treasures shared that are discovered along the way.
Please note that this blog has now moved to: "Senior Eagle walking with Father"

Sunday, January 04, 2009

The Battle Without

Although I didn’t realise it at the time, the retreat we attended in October was God-arranged, to prepare me for what was to come in the following weeks. This was especially so with the morning walk (here) which became a living picture that helped carry me through a very difficult time. It reminded me that whatever battle I was to experience, provided I put my whole trust in Jesus and abided in Him, then I would come through to a strong place and know His victory.

Within two weeks of the retreat I was diagnosed with an aggressive form of prostate cancer, with the immediate commencement of treatment and exploratory scans. Side effects from the drugs began to kick in, leaving me drained of strength, dizzy and experiencing vertigo. On top of this I picked up an infection from the biopsy examination, which took six weeks of anti-biotic drugs to overcome.

Things were happening at such pace, that for a time I was in shock and vulnerable to all sorts of anxious thoughts. Like burning arrows they came flying my way, such as: “I’m growing old before my time.” and “You are finished - there’s no hope.” or “You’ll end your days in hospital.” and so on! I just rested in my ‘shelter’ the best way I could, wrapped in the folds of Father’s robe, so that these taunts, lies etc just bounced off. I had His Word that He would fight the battle and take me through. I was expectant, of miracles even. On some evenings, if fatigue kicked in, I just sat surrendering to Father, even though I felt and sensed nothing, but refusing to doubt.

The worst part was the waiting between the many appointments. I found some of the doctors definitely lacking in communication skills and I was left in personal doubt about the additional treatment scheduled for the new year. All I could do was leave it to God until, at the last consultation I saw another specialist who reversed the decision. I received this as God’s answer, leaving Him the freedom to act in His way and in His time.

The worst of the storm is now over. There is still a battle, but that has moved on to another phase. So far as the cancer is concerned, I believe God has my healing on course. But fundamentally I don’t really think it’s about that. Yes, the enemy was in this, but God allowed it and is using it. He wanted me to have a closer walk with him - He knew my heart - and that meant strengthening me in my weak areas, such as anxiety. The journey continues. I don’t know how things are going to plan out. I have never ever been so unsure about such things, but I am even more sure that He knows, so I put my trust in Him.

There were certain scriptures that I kept returning to such as Psalms 91 and 17 and John 15 speaking of all the benefits of abiding.

“He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High - will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust." - You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you. - then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent. - “Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honour him. With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation." Psalm 91 New International Version

6 comments :

  1. valerie lynn said...

    My friend, I have been praying for you. I am sorry about what you have been going through, yet I rejoice that although you were going through despair and loss of hope you still trusted in the Lord. It is so nice to have you back. I pray God continue His healing with you mind, body, soul and spirit. Much love to you my friend.

  2. FishHawk said...

    If our lives in this world really meant as much as we have been led to believe that they do, then it would do us well to expect to be delivered from what we may consider an untimely death, but since our lives in this world are not, we would do well to think of physical death as being more of a blessing than a curse. Yes, I would probably be much more resistent to that way of thinking if I wasn't living such a miserable life in this world, but that does not make the point any less valid.

    Please forgive me for sounding so insensitive towards your family. For I have no doubt that they would miss you terribly when your own time as a part of this world comes to an end, but it will not be long (in our Heavenly Father's eyes) before they will get to see you again in a place where no suffering exists--right?

  3. wayfarerjon said...

    I take your point. We all need to live as if today is our last. I need to be ready to be with Jesus at the time of God's choosing.

    And there is the rub! Satan would have me finished and wiped off before that time comes! There lies the battle! I believe I have some living to do - there is God's purpose to be lived out in my life. There is no evidence to show that I am in imminent danger of death and I have God's specific promise that all will be well. The strife I suffered over the last three months was not the prostate cancer itself, but the side effects of the explorations and drug treatments. Man does his best, but God is the real Healer.

    The bottom line of course, is that I am in God's hands and I trust Him.

  4. Mike said...

    It's so encouraging to hear your story, thank you for sharing so honestly :) Prayers for you

  5. FishHawk said...

    I sincerely appreciate your response, my dear Wayfarerjon. For I was all braced for a scathing reply about me doing the devil's bidding, but He came to my defense, and you humbly accepted it. Thank you so very much!!!

    Now, for those who don't get it, what I was given to say was not that our lives in this world have no true and lasting value. For they truly do, but not nearly to the extent that we naturally think. Alas, far too many "Christians" act like the end of life in this world is the end of living when they should know that it is just the end of them having to live so miserably--even for those who are considered to have it good in the eyes of this world.

    On the other hand, this is not to say that Christians should necessarily long for physical death. For no one will have to live in this world any longer than is absolutely necessary to accomplish our Heavenly Father's purposes, and this is why all of His children by faith should be praying, "Thy will be done, my Father. Thy will be done."

  6. wayfarerjon said...

    Thank you - I agree with what you say, in the 'general.'

    Until my time comes I have a strong God-given desire to live life to the full and that means being in the centre of God's will for me. That means not just knowing the 'general' Word, but hearing what God is specifically saying to me personally in my situation right now. Seeking this sometimes results in blood sweat and tears and I have taken the risk of sharing something of this in my blog.