It's Lonely In Here!

I wrote this very personal piece some years ago, when I was catapulted into chronic fatigue and loneliness that defied a human solution.


Whereas before, I was aware of the presence of God, it felt He had gone - this was my own Dark Night of the Soul.


I knew I had to trust Him to take me through the chasm of pain to the other side and that He did over a period of several months.

It’s lonely in here, very, very lonely
as if I’m the only person
in the whole wide world
and I’m frightened and hurting
I feel so helpless
I want to go back to how it was before, but I can’t
I want to escape, to run away.

Where are you God?
You seem so far away!
Why have you left me all alone?

In reality he is close
not the feeling, but the real thing
Jesus kneeling at my feet
“What would you have me do for you?”
What a God! at my feet!
Waiting patiently for the word
Waiting, waiting…
Yes, yes Lord, but .. but I need a lifeline
but yes, yes Lord, yes!

And as the yes’s and the trusting grew
and except for the odd backward glance,
the journey entered upon,
standing empty in the barren desert,
feeling the feelings with Him
I remind myself
He will not let me down,
He will not let me be tempted more than I can bear
and …

as my eyes become accustomed to the darkness
I find beauty to behold,
diamonds and precious stones
hidden behind the pain,
memories that heal and not hinder,
heart to blessed heart
words of love
the pain starts to lift
and the anxieties start to melt away.

Until the time when I feel His embrace
- and do you know
it can actually hurt to be loved!
But Lord don’t stop.

Is this the end?
no, it’s just the beginning.

“I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name.” Isaiah 45:3 New International Version

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Christian Healing - 5 Abiding

Abiding is absolutely key. This is where our Christian walk starts and continues to be maintained. When we make our home with Jesus the Bible comes alive and we begin to be in tune with God.

In our need for healing, it is in this heart to heart relationship that God hears our cry. This is where we hear His Word and especially those living personal Words just for us. Words that bring hope and life into our situation. But this is where the battle really commences. Satan just does not like this.

We may become aware of Satan’s lies, as fear and doubt try to get a hold. Taunts like “Who do you think you are?” or “Come on get real, you don’t really believe this do you?!” But as we continue to abide in Him surrounded by His love, we are safe from all the flaming arrows and missiles that come our way. They just cannot touch us. As we shelter wrapped in Father’s cloak we are assured of His comfort and His victory.

Pain and discomfort can cause us to sink and make it difficult to keep our focus on Him. Pain is very wearing and at worst it feels like trying to see through a fog. At such times I feel the only thing to do - and the best - is to surrender in complete trust. Throw ourselves into Father’s arms knowing He will fight the battle for us and bring us through.

Our focus of course, is not on the promised healing, but on the Promiser and Healer, so the bottom line is absolute surrender. This gives the Holy Spirit absolute freedom to move in our lives, whenever and however. The opposite to this is complaining - which I am well familiar with - and only serves to prolong the process. Unconditional yielding to God is tantamount to saying, ‘I yield to you Father whether you heal me or not.’ This may seem paradoxical, but it’s no different to saying we have to ‘lose our life to gain it.’ Knowing God will do what he said he will do, means we can do this. We trust Him. This is such a simple childlike heart action, but I for one have found it not easy and has often taken some crisis to bring it about.

I’ve said nothing so far about the medical profession and healing. I have no doubt that God works through doctors and treatments. Where would we be without them? But I’m not sure I would describe it as divine healing. Doctors do not have all the answers and some prescribed drugs are toxic with side effects that can have a drastic effect upon our quality of life. Enough said.

God does a proper job.

“Whoever goes to the LORD for safety, whoever remains under the protection of the Almighty, can say to him, "You are my defender and protector. You are my God; in you I trust." He will keep you safe from all hidden dangers and from all deadly diseases.” Psalm 91:1-3 Good News Bible

“If you remain in me and my words remain in you, then you will ask for anything you wish, and you shall have it.” John 15:7 Good News Bible

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The Battle Without

Although I didn’t realise it at the time, the retreat we attended in October was God-arranged, to prepare me for what was to come in the following weeks. This was especially so with the morning walk (here) which became a living picture that helped carry me through a very difficult time. It reminded me that whatever battle I was to experience, provided I put my whole trust in Jesus and abided in Him, then I would come through to a strong place and know His victory.

Within two weeks of the retreat I was diagnosed with an aggressive form of prostate cancer, with the immediate commencement of treatment and exploratory scans. Side effects from the drugs began to kick in, leaving me drained of strength, dizzy and experiencing vertigo. On top of this I picked up an infection from the biopsy examination, which took six weeks of anti-biotic drugs to overcome.

Things were happening at such pace, that for a time I was in shock and vulnerable to all sorts of anxious thoughts. Like burning arrows they came flying my way, such as: “I’m growing old before my time.” and “You are finished - there’s no hope.” or “You’ll end your days in hospital.” and so on! I just rested in my ‘shelter’ the best way I could, wrapped in the folds of Father’s robe, so that these taunts, lies etc just bounced off. I had His Word that He would fight the battle and take me through. I was expectant, of miracles even. On some evenings, if fatigue kicked in, I just sat surrendering to Father, even though I felt and sensed nothing, but refusing to doubt.

The worst part was the waiting between the many appointments. I found some of the doctors definitely lacking in communication skills and I was left in personal doubt about the additional treatment scheduled for the new year. All I could do was leave it to God until, at the last consultation I saw another specialist who reversed the decision. I received this as God’s answer, leaving Him the freedom to act in His way and in His time.

The worst of the storm is now over. There is still a battle, but that has moved on to another phase. So far as the cancer is concerned, I believe God has my healing on course. But fundamentally I don’t really think it’s about that. Yes, the enemy was in this, but God allowed it and is using it. He wanted me to have a closer walk with him - He knew my heart - and that meant strengthening me in my weak areas, such as anxiety. The journey continues. I don’t know how things are going to plan out. I have never ever been so unsure about such things, but I am even more sure that He knows, so I put my trust in Him.

There were certain scriptures that I kept returning to such as Psalms 91 and 17 and John 15 speaking of all the benefits of abiding.

“He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High - will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust." - You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you. - then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent. - “Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honour him. With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation." Psalm 91 New International Version

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Establishing Our Hearts in Love

My father's middle name was Gardener and he lived up to his name. When I was a boy I loved watching him in the garden. I was fascinated by the whole process of growing vegetables and impatient to see results, so inspected daily for signs of growth. He showed me how to grow the biggest and sweetest marrows by threading wool through the stem and leading it into a jar of sugar and water. The plant fed on this syrupy goodness - I think they call it capillary attraction - and the marrow swelled up until it was ripe for picking. I would proudly carry it inside to my mother who stuffed it and baked it the oven.

God's love for us is bottomless, limitless, it can't be any greater, but we need to open ourselves to Him to receive. Not a mental assent to a spiritual truth, but an experience of His love deep within our hearts. As we spend regular time feeding on His love, our heart swells and we become increasingly aware of God's Presence. When the going gets tough we then have a well of heavenly resource that we can draw upon and have the confidence that Father will see us through.

I have found out to my cost that it is imperative to give priority to this abiding rather than leave it until trouble comes.

"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." Ephesians 3:17-19 New International Version

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Finding Joy in the Humdrum

I've helped build motorways and nuclear power stations, controlled regional water supplies, climbed mountains and been engaged on Christian projects, but always tried to shoulder my responsibilities in the family and put them first. After retirement and through changed circumstances I became more involved with routine things. Just now and again I admit to entertaining thoughts, "Is this really what I am made for?"

Right now, after a particularly routine-filled week, I'm hanging out the washing. My wife says it's eco friendly, unlike tumble driers and it gives the clothes a blow and 'sweetens' them. I hang them up and she removes them at the end of the day. There are many advantages to this arrangement. It's my first smell of the fresh morning air, the best time of the day, full of promise. My muscles benefit from the gentle exercise and I have time to reflect on the day to come.

I didn't realise there was a skill in this. There's a right and wrong way of pegging out and I never seem to get it quite right. Why some garments are hung upside down and others right way up beats me! However, I excel in matching up the different types and colours of the pegs with the appropriate items of clothing. When all is done I stand back and proudly admire my display as it catches the breeze.

So what am I doing, writing about such a mundane boring activity? I'm discovering something that I should have done years ago. The secret is finding joy in the humdrum. As with all those other little jobs that have to be done each day, I'm pegging out the washing with Jesus.

I have done the big things and still look to Him for more, but it's Jesus Himself who is our peace and satisfaction, not the spiritual highs and thrills. If we don't learn to walk with Him in the routine, we may miss the adventure just around the bend!

"There are times when there is no illumination and no thrill, but just the daily round, the common task. Routine is God’s way of saving us between our times of inspiration. Do not expect God always to give you His thrilling minutes, but learn to live in the domain of drudgery by the power of God." Oswald Chambers

"Only those who try to live near God and have formed the habit of faithfulness to Him in the small things of our daily life, can hope in times of need for that special light which shows us our path. To do as well as we can the job immediately before us, is the way to learn what we ought to do next." Evelyn Underhill

"He walked steadily with God" Genesis 5:22

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Cruel to be Kind

"I am the real vine, and my Father is the gardener. He breaks off every branch in me that does not bear fruit, and he prunes every branch that does bear fruit, so that it will be clean and bear more fruit. John 15:1-2 Good News Bible

We have a large escallonia bush in our front garden, but it grew old and straggly and stopped flowering. We decided it needed pruning, so following advice, I cut out the dead wood. When I had finished there wasn’t much left. As a friend of ours said - “it’s got two chances, it can live or die.” Thankfully it lived. The following year it sprouted new growth. Now it’s a mass of healthy foliage and covered in pink blossom in season. Just goes to prove that you have to be cruel to be kind.

It reminds me of the time when, owing to burn-out, my Christian work had to finish, work that gave me fulfilment and purpose. I lost sense of awareness and perception and God seemed to have hidden. It was devastating at first, I felt all alone and frightened. I could identify with King Nebuchadnezzar, who was reduced to a brass-bound stump.

But slowly, very slowly I got used to the situation and yielded to God in it, putting my trust in Him. As the months went by I came to realise that without doing anything but looking to Him, I was being changed inside. The Gardener was tending and feeding my roots. He was feeling my feelings with me and I experienced His healing touch. I was learning new ways and rediscovering hidden talent and gifts. Fresh shoots were sprouting. Several years later I could look back and realise that new branches had grown.

I can now honestly say that I am thankful this happened. Through it I have come to know more of the real me and have a broader heart knowledge of God. The journey goes on and there will be more pruning. Hopefully not as drastic as before. The Gardener will use His sharp knife to lovingly trim a branch to encourage further healthy growth.

”Proper pruning is as much a skill as it is an art, since badly pruned plants can become diseased or grow in undesirable ways.” quotation

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