It's Lonely In Here!

I wrote this very personal piece some years ago, when I was catapulted into chronic fatigue and loneliness that defied a human solution.


Whereas before, I was aware of the presence of God, it felt He had gone - this was my own Dark Night of the Soul.


I knew I had to trust Him to take me through the chasm of pain to the other side and that He did over a period of several months.

It’s lonely in here, very, very lonely
as if I’m the only person
in the whole wide world
and I’m frightened and hurting
I feel so helpless
I want to go back to how it was before, but I can’t
I want to escape, to run away.

Where are you God?
You seem so far away!
Why have you left me all alone?

In reality he is close
not the feeling, but the real thing
Jesus kneeling at my feet
“What would you have me do for you?”
What a God! at my feet!
Waiting patiently for the word
Waiting, waiting…
Yes, yes Lord, but .. but I need a lifeline
but yes, yes Lord, yes!

And as the yes’s and the trusting grew
and except for the odd backward glance,
the journey entered upon,
standing empty in the barren desert,
feeling the feelings with Him
I remind myself
He will not let me down,
He will not let me be tempted more than I can bear
and …

as my eyes become accustomed to the darkness
I find beauty to behold,
diamonds and precious stones
hidden behind the pain,
memories that heal and not hinder,
heart to blessed heart
words of love
the pain starts to lift
and the anxieties start to melt away.

Until the time when I feel His embrace
- and do you know
it can actually hurt to be loved!
But Lord don’t stop.

Is this the end?
no, it’s just the beginning.

“I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name.” Isaiah 45:3 New International Version

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Peeled Bananas

Oh the joys of doing the weekly shop. My wife and I go together. With a trolley each, we start at opposite ends of the supermarket and compare notes when we meet in the middle. While deliberating over my purchases I often notice a lone husband on his cell phone to his wife - presumably , “Darling, which sort of cornflakes did you say?” while I smugly work through my list.

I’ve long realised that a degree of detective work is needed in the supermarkets. Often, at first sight, the contents of the packages and cans may not always live up to the expectations of the outside labels. For example “Pure natural blossom honey?” What does that mean? ‘Honey’ yes, but doesn’t all honey come from blossom and is there such a thing as ‘unnatural’ honey? That leaves ‘pure’, which I take it to be a euphemism for ‘honey blended from various sources and heat treated.’ What is ‘farm fresh corn-fed chicken’ supposed to mean? Are they reared in batteries, deep litter, free range and are they organically reared? So what you see isn’t always what you expect.

All very mundane. But are we real and open to people and God , WYSIWYG like a peeled banana? Do they see us as we really are?

This was brought home to me the other day, when during a good-humoured exchange with a friend, he said “You are a top bloke, but when I first knew you years ago, you were a bit stuck up!” He had a point. I used to be very closed and not in touch with my feelings that much. I’ve changed since, a process that is ongoing.

I remember in my second year as a shy boy in high school, a teacher wrote in my annual report, “I wish he would come out of his shell.” Sounds a bit like a tortoise or a snail! I did emerge as I grew up, but there were certain sides of me that were unconsciously kept well hidden , perhaps because of shame or false guilt. By adulthood I already had coping mechanism in place to deal with this deficiency.

The problem is, being closed separates. It can be a barrier to open communication and conversation stays mainly from the head and not the heart. Of course, if we are closed to people we will also be hiding those areas from God. The solution is to invite Jesus into those hidden hurting areas of our life and find freedom to be ourselves, which as I discovered is an ongoing process.

“- by their fruit you will recognize them.” Matthew 7:20 New International Version

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Christian Healing - 2 Desperation

Thoughts on Christian Healing continued:

It may sound obvious, but healing cannot really begin unless the ‘wound’ is brought out into the open and shown to Father - and in the case of emotional healing, the pain is owned and expressed.

Usually if a child hurts itself, he or she goes running to their parents and shows their ‘wound’ to them. The child is comforted, the wound bathed and cleaned and made better. There may even be a discussion on how it happened and how to avoid it happening again.

In this simple straight forward action there is an acceptance that something is wrong, a complete trust in the parent that it will be healed and also a degree of desperation.

We sometimes need to get desperate. Like when I crushed my thumb or when a large rock fell on our son’s hand or when my wife developed a life-threatening condition in a foreign country. In each case, mustering whatever faith I had, I reached out to God with every fibre of my being, until I was assured that I had made connection, He had heard and it was in hand. In each case healing was manifest. I believe God always answers our heart cries.

With long term illness it can seem more compicated. But is it possible that sometimes we have to get desperate before we turn to God and really mean business? For some reason we may have been in denial or thought ‘this is as good as it gets.’ We may have tried all medical avenues, followed any number of special diets, dabbled in various alternative practices, but the illness still persists. Do we have to get desperate before we go all the way on a healing journey God's way, no matter what?

More to come - -

“Give praise to the LORD; he has heard my cry for help. Psalm 28:6 Good News Bible

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Another String to My Bow

I have another string to my bow, another arrow in my quiver. I've started another blog Wayfarerjon's Photo Reflections it's somewhere to display my photos of some of the 'secret' places in Britain - especially Devon and Cornwall - where I feel close to God. I have added my brief thoughts and reflections together with God's Word as appropriate.

Thought you might like to have a look.

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Smile Please!

I once took part in a test to discover my personality type. It wasn't very conclusive, except that 'melancholic' formed a large chunk of me. There are positive aspects to that of course. It's how God made me and I accept 'me!'.

However, it was one of our grandaughter's recent remarks that made think again. I was reading her a bedtime story, when she cocked her head and looked into my eyes. "Grandad," she said casually, "you have a sad face!" OK, they had been studying facial expressions at school, but she is very perceptive for a six-year old.

I've been told I have a nice smile, when I do smile, so I decided to practice it more often. I had a smile day, to see what that would bring about. I smiled at Jim down the road and again in the Post Office, but it was in the supermarket where it really took off. I made sure it was a 'proper' smile and not something that could be mistaken for a leer. More what I would call a 'heart smile!' The result was surprising. Shopping took a lot longer that day. Conversations were initiated as people opened up in the chilled foods and there was even a loving pat on the shoulder at the deli counter. It really brightened up the long wait at the checkout, except for one very old dear, who quickly turned her head, just in case I was up to 'something!'

Not very spiritual, you may ask? As Christians, Jesus lives in us by His Spirit, so let's smile and let Him out and make someone's day. You never know where that may lead!

"A cheerful heart brings a smile to your face," Proverbs 15:13 The Message Bible

"When I smiled at them, they could hardly believe it; their faces lit up, their troubles took wing!" Job 29:24 The Message Bible

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Fling Wide the Gates!

I feel that this can apply to anyone, young or old, believer or not, newly-awakened or 'mature:'

Call out to Him
from the very depths of your being
Call out as never before
Turn from the old ways
Let go of the old
and yield to Him, surrender
He is waiting for your response
He is knocking on your door
He's on your side, He's for you
He really really is
Who is this we are talking about?
God, who is all-powerful, all-loving
He sees all and knows all
but bends right down to hear your prayer
there is no other god anywhere like Him
Open up your heart to Him
and He will come running inside
Stop striving and let go
Let Him take the strain
and watch what He will do
He's won your battle
He's all you need

"Fling wide the gates, open the ancient doors, and the great king will come in. Who is this great king? He is the LORD, strong and mighty, the LORD, victorious in battle. Fling wide the gates, open the ancient doors, and the great king will come in. Who is this great king? The triumphant LORD ---he is the great king!" Psalm 24:7-10 Good News Bible

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Are We Ready?

Have you ever had one of those moments that you just knew was God-arranged? A chance meeting in the street, a telephone call or a knock on the door, when all of a sudden you were alerted by the sense that it was a divine appointment.

You don't know why, but you just know that it is important, different, significant. It may be that you just have to drop everything and give that person your whole attention and listen with your whole being. He or she may be waiting for a word of direction, encouragement or comfort. Alternatively, they may have something to say to you, if you have ears to hear. They may not realise that, but suddenly, a word brings clarity to something you have been wrestling with and seeking an answer to for a long time. Whatever it is, God who sees the big picture, has brought you together for that brief moment for some purpose!

One thing I am sure of, is that these 'divine appointments' occur when I least expect them and usually when I consider it most inconvenient. If I am resting in God and in tune with Him at the time, I just may drop everything and give that person and God my full concentration. The danger is that I may fail to recognise the God-given opportunity and make my excuses and get on with my own agenda. In that case, one or both of us may miss out on a blessing or worse.

The Bible makes it clear that Jesus is coming again and that there will be no mistaking when that happens. It will be abundantly clear and we will need to drop everything. We are told of world events, such as wars, conflict, terrorism, financial meltdown and environmental disasters that are pointers to this second coming. All these signs are now on the increase and seem to indicate this could be very soon. Even next week, next year? We don't know. We have no need to be alarmed or fearful, but we do need to be ready.

Do we really know we belong to Jesus and are we walking with Him in intimacy and obedience? Is there bitterness, anger or unforgiveness in our lives or other issues that are unresolved? Time is short.

"For as lightning that comes from the east is visible even in the west, so will be the coming of the Son of Man. - So you also must be ready, because the Son of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect him." Matthew 24:27 and 44 New International Version

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The Father's Love

The Father's love comforts
us when all seems dark and hopeless

The Father's love heals
us when we are hurting and wounded

The Father's love befriends
us when we are lonely

The Father's love accepts
us just as we are

The Father's love carries
us when we don't know which way to turn

The Father's love empowers
us to live beyond ourselves

The Father's love invites
us to follow Him into the unknown

The Father's love transforms
us into the person he made us to be

The Father's love encourages
us to fulfil the desires he put there

The Father's love waits
for our response

"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you." John 15:9 New International Version

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My Father is the Gardener

My father's middle name was Gardener, and true to his name he was never happier than when he was in his kitchen garden.

As a boy, I loved watching him lovingly prepare the soil, mix in the compost and fertilizer and sow the seeds. It almost seemed like he imagined a full grown plant, as he popped each seed into the seedbed. I sensed that he was at peace as he worked with fork and rake or tended his peas and beans. He taught me the names of each variety and how some were grown for size and some for taste.

We also had a few fruit trees and he showed me how to prune them, so that they would flourish in the coming season. When the blossom came he sprayed them and inspected the branches to make sure they were free from infection. Sometimes there was so much fruit he had to prop the branches to prevent them from breaking under the weight. After his family of course, his fruit and vegetables were his pride and joy. He cared for them almost like they were his children.

He even gave me a small plot to grow quick-growing salad things. The trouble was, I would get impatient and each day I pulled up a few radishes to see if they were ready. I caught from him the satisfaction of growing our own food.

When we make a home for Jesus Christ in our hearts and cling to Him, we have the absolute security in knowing that we are in Father's total care. Our Father the Gardener knows exactly what we need to flourish and makes every provision for us. All the resources of heaven are made available to us. As we feed upon His Word and rest in Him we grow effortlessly and bear 'fruit' that spills out to benefit others.

"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener." John 15:1 New International Version

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Bind Us Together?

Years ago I read "Miracle on the River Kwai *," a gripping book that made a considerable impression upon me. It was a true account of life in a prison camp on the infamous Death Railway in Burma during World War 2. In the midst of the hellish, disease-ridden, tortuous conditions, prisoners were bound together with love, forgiveness, sacrifice and faith. This 'church' triumphed over the evil and persecution that was their daily experience.

I have not know this kind of suffering, but have known from time to time, the kind of fellowship between those of us who have experienced brokenness of one kind or another. This is the kind of fellowship that transcends denomination, forms of worship or institutional structure. It is a 'oneness' that is very precious.

I have sung the chorus, "Bind us together Lord -" many times, with feeling. But you cannot make that sort of unity happen, you have to want it. On one occasion we had been discussing teaching on the Biblical reference to being built together as 'living stones.' One person remarked "I don't think I want to be built with you lot!" There was a tinge of humour in the remark, but I valued their openness and honesty in having the courage to say what was also on my mind.

In some areas, churches have got together to hold 'united' services or activities. I am sure there is value in that, but I don't believe that unity can be organised. In truth God has already made the provision - we are one in Jesus Christ - and it is He that does the gathering. We can only enter in, to the degree that we have allowed Jesus into our lives and responded in obedience.

Real unity is hard work and involves opening our lives to God and one another, a willingness to face confrontational issues, putting our wishes to one side for the sake of the 'community' and exercising a degree of acceptance and forgiveness which 'they' do not deserve.

Perhaps we should sing "Bind us together Lord - but go easy on us!"

"Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace." Ephesians 4:3 New International Version

* I believe the book may have been republished by Zondervan.

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Flying in the Face of Reason

When I was a boy I had some difficulty expressing myself, both vocally and in writing. This was particularly so with adults. I remember one of the teachers wrote in my school report, "I wish he would come out of his shell!" This improved with time and I learned to compensate for my lack. However, I always stood in awe of those who were well endowed with social and communication skills, especially if they were very intelligent and persuasive. There were even times when I felt inferior to them.

Things changed for the better after I became a Christian, entered into a heart relationship with Jesus and eventually got in touch with my feelings. I know now that when I speak or write something from the heart and it is within my experience, there is generally no problem.

I am still aware of a slight weakness in this area, so try to avoid competing with people on unfamiliar ground and stick to what I am sure of before God. This can be challenging when we are putting our whole trust in Jesus, especially if it concerns something very important and we appear to be flying in the face of reason. We open ourselves to being thought foolish and run the risk of being shaken off track by listening to the wrong voice. If in the end I am labelled foolish, then so long as I am being a 'fool for Christ,' it's of no consequence.

We all need wisdom, but true wisdom comes not from what we know, but from who we know. When we look to God for wisdom, the Holy Spirit will guide us and reveal what we need to know. We certainly need to be open to learn from anyone, but we need to be discerning or we run the risk of being swayed from the right path.

"For it is written: "I will destroy the wisdom of the wise; the intelligence of the intelligent I will frustrate. - - But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong." 1 Corinthians 1:19 and 27 New International Version

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Heard But Not Listened

Our grandson is somewhere between toddler and small boy and I love him and really look forward to spending time with him. Apart from being lively, endearing and very good looking, he is great fun. When he says "I love you Grandad" it melts my heart. Then he'll say "Play with me Grandad?" That usually entails him coming up behind me and jumping on me from a great height, as I feign surprise. My muscles make me think I am getting a bit too old for this sort of thing?

On the other hand, there are times when he can be most exasperating. He gets so focussed on what he wants and what he is doing at that particular moment, that nothing else matters. He is not interested in anything else, no matter how important or vital. For his own good I try to reason with him, but to no avail. I try tactics to divert him away from his course of self destruction. It works sometimes, but often he will have none of it. Only the other week I told him to put his shoes on before going outside, but no, he knew better. Within minutes he was back crying with a bleeding toe! It's not a question that he's not heard me. He just does not want to listen!

Even though I am a great deal older, some of this sounds very familiar to me. Am I really open to listen and take notice of what my heavenly Father tells me? There was a time, not so long ago, when I was so wrapped up in the Christian work I was doing, that I ignored the longings of my own heart and so was not open to what God was saying about it. What I was involved in was good, others agreed, but it was not right for me and if I hadn't been given the grace to listen, I'm not sure where I would have ended up. I was hearing, but assumed those words were not for me.

Far more than a loving earthly father - or grandfather - Jesus has our very best interests at heart. God is always speaking and will use whatever means are just right for us. It's more a question of us wanting to know, being open to Him and taking time to listen. When we take notice and take on board what He is saying to us we prosper and flourish.

Oxford Dictionary definitions:

hear = to perceive sound with the ear
listen = attentively hear a person speaking, give attention with the ear, take notice of, to respond to advice or request.

"If my people would but listen to me -- you would be fed with the finest of wheat; with honey from the rock I would satisfy you." Psalm 81New International Version

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Our Inner Security

Our upside-down house - we live upstairs and sleep downstairs - is perched on a hillside overlooking the Atlantic Ocean and is about 200 yards from the beach. You may think it's an idyllic location and in many ways it is, but when the south westerlies blow, your perspective changes.

Three days ago, we were warned that the worst storm of the winter was imminent and all emergency services were put on alert. Later that evening, as the winds became more intense and howled down the chimney and our large living room window began to flex, I felt just a little vulnerable, if not anxious. We could have been on the deck of a small ship in a stormy sea. It's times like this, especially in the night, when anxieties can surface and hook into all sorts of fears. I sensed this and before going to bed, tried to put everything into God's hands the best I could. I particularly asked for protection for all the homes in our valley. After this, I felt a peace and contentment and surprisingly - and I say that because I'm a light sleeper - I slept like a baby through all the mayhem outside.

Next morning everything was intact, except some fencing had blown down and there was tree debris scattered all around. We turned on the news to see reports of flooding and storm damage and gave thanks that we had got off so lightly. We then had to drive the twenty miles into town and despite the main route into the village being under water and impassable and several large tree branches were partly blocking the other road, we made the journey without incident.

All this reminded me that many things we have taken for granted and even put our security into are being shaken. It's not just the weather and global warming, but the environment, food and fuel supplies and our financial institutions. Without getting into a theological discussion who is doing the shaking, all the signs seem to point to the fact that we are in for a hard time. It is clear the only thing we can be sure of, is to build our sure foundations on God. By that I don't mean just a mental assent to what we are told in the Bible, but a deep heart-knowledge of the Father's love as we surrender to Him. This is free, but is not handed to us on a plate. We need to want it.

"Once more I will shake not only the earth but also the heavens." The words "once more" indicate the removing of what can be shaken—that is, created things—so that what cannot be shaken may remain. Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our "God is a consuming fire" Hebrews 12:26-29 New International Version

"Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, "Teacher, don't you care if we drown?" He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, "Quiet! Be still!" Then the wind died down and it was completely calm. He said to his disciples, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?" Mark 4:38-40 New International Version

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If We Believe ...

When we become Christian believers, followers of Jesus Christ, we start a journey of coming to know God. As we enter into the discovery of who He really is to us and live in the realisation of that truth, there is the potential to transform our lives.

God created the heavens and the earth, the whole universe
God is Almighty, all Powerful, all Knowing
He is to be exalted as the King of Kings
and is high and lifted up in heaven
but He bends right the way down
to hear our every whisper
even more than that
He is with us,
really for us
alongside
More -
He's within us
He lives inside us
just ponder on that
God living within us!
it's utterly mind-boggling
Feeling our every feeling
absolutely life-transforming
and it gives us a whole new perspective
of walking through a sometimes troublesome life with Father

"And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counsellor to be with you forever - the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you. I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live. On that day you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you. -- "If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him." John 14:16-23 New International Version

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Things Are Not What They Seem

My computer works on MS Windows and so the word processing software is WYSIWYG or "What You See Is What You Get." Unfortunately this is not always so in real life!

I descended our forty steps yesterday to collect our post from the box. There was a pile of junk mail, but there was just one that caught my attention. The tinted envelope was addressed personally in impressive handwriting; my spirits rose with anticipation. Someone wants me? I couldn't wait and tore it open, only to have my hopes dashed, as it was only a business reminder! The inside didn't live up to the outside appearance.

A few weeks ago, when I was recovering from the 'flu and a few other things I won't go into, someone remarked in passing, how well I looked. The truth was that I was far from well inside. I thanked the person and we went our different ways. You could say that they just did not notice the telltale signs of the bags under my eyes or alternatively, they could have enquired how I was?

I have heard it said about other men, "Oh he is such a nice man!" Now, I want to have all the attributes of a good gentle kind Christian, but I want to be "God's man!" By that I mean, I want to be in tune with Father, be bold and courageous, act with integrity, openness and honesty and speak the truth in love. That does not always come over as being 'nice' and may even upset some. Becoming God's man is a process and I am on the way. Also, sometimes I may appear on the outside as 'nice,' but some of the thoughts I have inside from time to time are not something to be proud of. God, of course, is not fooled, He sees me as I really am and that is a challenge in itself!

So beware! All is not as it seems. We need to accept one another in love, but don't judge by appearances. Next time you meet someone, don't be taken in by their ravishing confident looks and soft flattering speech. Be discerning and be aware that they are still on the way and maybe are going through inner turmoil and having a hard time. And if you are asked to join with some venture or endeavour, pause for a while and try to see the situation from God's perspective before you answer.

"But the LORD said to him, "Pay no attention to how tall and handsome he is. I have rejected him, because I do not judge as people judge. They look at the outward appearance, but I look at the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7 Good News Bible

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In Times of Special Need

I remember when we visited a famous stately home with friends. It was a hot summer's day and I was not feeling well. Also, my mind was elsewhere as I felt anxious, wondering how we were going to get through the coming months. As we walked through the extensive informal gardens, I was very uncomfortable in the heat and only vaguely aware of the beauty all around me. I tried to join in the conversation, but it was mostly floating over my head. I had looked forward to enjoying the day, but in reality I wanted to be somewhere else.

After a while I excused myself and took time apart. I made for a large ornamental pool. Water flowed into it from a cascade that tumbled down the steep gardens from a large lake high up on the hilltop. In the middle of the pool a massive fountain reached for the sky. It was a beautiful refreshing sight. I sat by the water's edge and took in this healing scene. I could have stayed there all day. I reached out to God and as I pondered, a sudden warm breeze fanned spray from the fountain over me. As the droplets splashed my face it felt almost as if Father was caressing my cheek and reassuring me that everything was going to be fine. The words came to me, "I will not let you down!"

When we are in great need or when things seem hopeless, I believe God is present and available to us in a special way. We reach out from our heart to His and although it may seem a feeble approach, He comes to us in a way that is just right for us. He brings His Word into our situation that results in life and changes our outlook in an instant.

"To him who thirsts I will give of the fountain of the Water of Life freely." Revelation 21:6 Modern King James Version

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A Love Response

My wife and I visited someone who was being drawn to Christ. Almost as soon as we arrived, even though we hadn't mentioned the subject, they said they would not get their hair cut or stop smoking. We said that was entirely their choice, because being a Christian was not about keeping rules, but was a love relationship.

The junior school I attended had strict rules and we were expected to obey them under the threat of punishment. During an art lesson, where we had to draw and paint a glass jug, I accidentally knocked my little pot of water over. The teacher hauled me out in front of the class and gave me six of the best with his cane. It not only put me off art, but was one of several instances that gave me a jaundiced view of authority figures. It was only many years later, during an evening class, that an encouraging tutor showed me that I really could do art. My work flourished under his caring and competent tuition and I eventually had paintings hung in exhibitions.

If we are a Christian and say that we love Jesus, then this will show in our actions and attitudes. This is something I find very challenging. Do I really demonstrate that I trust God and put Him first in my life? Do I carry out all my dealings with people with honesty and integrity? Do I really put the interests of my wife and family and neighbours at least the same as I do for myself and do I love them as much as I love myself? For that matter, do I love myself? If I don't then it's because I need to know more in my experience just how much He loves me.

God does not force me to obey, ready to cane me if I do wrong. No, out of love he gives me the freedom to choose. He has poured Himself out for me and is always there for me. He is my Father, my Daddy who stands with open arms, longing for me to keep coming to Him as a response to His love. His love breaks me up. The more I realise His love the more I will want to walk with Him in His ways in complete surrender. And the more I abide and obey, the more I flourish and enjoy, along with others, the benefits of His care.

It's a love response
It starts by coming to Him
It continues by coming to Him
and it last forever by being with Him.

"Jesus replied, "If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him." John 14:23 New International Version

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Being Ourselves

When I was little we had a canary that lived in a small wire cage. It fascinated me and I spent hours trying to attract its attention. I found that by making the appropriate noises or by rattling the bars of its cage, it would sing to order. Then one day, perhaps because I felt sorry for it or maybe I just wanted to get closer, I opened the door to the cage and let it out. It circled the room several times and then flew out through the open window into freedom. We never saw it again.

Much later in life, as an adult, I discovered I was a bit like that canary and would sing to order. I was trapped in a cage of meeting the expectations of others. I was afraid of speaking the truth of what was really on my heart in case I caused offence. I would agree to requests or volunteer for any work that came my way, even though it would overload me. To do otherwise and say no, would run the risk of not being liked and that was just too much. The phrase "Jack of all trades and master of none" comes to mind. I was not being true to myself or to God. Those bars had to be removed so that I was free to be myself, that unique person God had made me to be.

It can be upsetting when we realise an unhelpful or even ungodly behaviour pattern. But God only brings this to our attention when we are ready for Him to set us free. Free to be ourselves and to do the work He has already chosen for us. A work that is just right for us.

When we are God-pleasers and not man-pleasers, everyone benefits.

"I have brought you glory on earth by completing the work you gave me to do." John 17:4 New International Version

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Between Head and Heart

I write this to all those of us who call ourselves Christians.

If we are born again - or however we care to describe that amazing miraculous spiritual awakening - it was not because of our attributes or intellect, but through the grace of God. Perhaps someone was praying for us. It was not a mental assent to a spiritual truth, but a personal response of heart and will to God's love, realising that He gave His only Son 'for me.' That was just a beginning of bringing into being in reality within us, what God has made us to be. Nothing can take away or added to that precious salvation, but it has to worked in us to become evident in our experience.

Years ago when I voiced within a group, that I was feeling particularly bereft and unloved, someone said to me "Jesus, loves you, so what's the problem?" The problem was that I needed more of the reality of God's love for me deep down in my experience and I had a longing for more. I had considerable 'head' knowledge but my heart needed to engage more. The problem also was, for the same reason, that person could not identify where I was at.

Those who are hurting inside - and that goes for most of us at some time or other - are very sensitive to what they would call empty words and will sense if it is real for us. They are looking for the Word with flesh on.

We need to be real because there is a whole hurting world needing this reality. God has made it all possible, but most of us are still on the way. God is committed to finishing what He has started, the question is, do we want more and are we prepared to face the pain in the process. My wife and I were at a large church gathering a few years ago, when we were asked to signify whether we wanted to know more of God's love. Surprisingly few hands were raised.

What do our hearts say?

"Keep on working with fear and trembling to complete your salvation," Philippians 2:12

"Yes, may you come to know his love - although it can never be fully known - and so be completely filled with the very nature of God." Ephesians 3:19

"Happy are those who know they are spiritually poor; the Kingdom of heaven belongs to them!" Matthew 5:3 All quotes Good News Bible

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Intention and Attitude

When I've finished a job, particularly one that is a bit of a chore, I often say, "I've done my best!" Sometimes that really means, 'That will have to do!" so I really haven't done my best. My intentions were good but the end result fell short. I don't want to be hard on myself or get into self-flagellation or perfectionism, but it's come to me that I have something to learn in this area. I know that I am still recovering from fatigue, but I can use tiredness as an excuse and that just will not do. It's not physical effort that's needed here, it's more a question of attitude, a whole-hearted attitude.

So what is my attitude to God like? Is it just take it or leave it? Am I just going through the motions, going with the crowd, or does my relationship with Him match up to my intention: a wholehearted close intimate love relationship? This is what makes the difference.!

If I am enthusiastically devoted in my walk with God, then everything else should fall into place. Whether it's a hidden humdrum task or a centre stage position, I will be doing what God has chosen for me, in God's way. The attitude will be apparent for all to see, but even if that fails to please others, God will be pleased. Following Jesus and living life to the full should be effortless, but it takes effort, everything we've got.

There's no place in the Kingdom for half-heartedness or half-loving.

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as though you were working for the Lord and not for people." Colossians 3:23 Good News Bible

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